When did it stop mattering?
For starters, wow its been a while since I used this blog -
And it is in part the reasons explained in this blog (which I wrote over on myspace first)
I hope that this is the begining of me working through the wall and a return to what I need to do.
for about 8 years, I took what I did very seriously, and yet still managed to have a good time doing it, and was lucky enought to be surrounded by people I liked and even got paid to do it!
Then each day slowly became a chore - to the point that for a while, I didn't want to get out of bed. My job and life seemed frivolous. there are two linked events to the reasons for this
The first happened on Novemeber 7, 2000, no not the obvious one, well not completely, 11.7.00 welcomed my neice Sarah into the world, say hi to Sarah,
Age 1
age 4 
While sitting in a company house in northern Virginia, watching early election returns which had me feeling optimistic (what a long night that became). I got the call from home that my sister was about to give birth to my parent's first grandchild. This was it, the next generation of my line was on the way, I was officially no longer the baby.
The other was also a tuesday, 10 months later....
It was the first day of tech for Art at the Wayside Theatre and the day didn't begin til 6pm, so I spent the entire day watching the world end from a cabin in the shenadoah mountains, far from everyone and everything that truely mattered to me.
How could I focus on this play, when at home my family and friends had jet fighters scrambled and streaking overhead, many of my friends could see the towers fall without the help of a television.
Suddenly everything had to matter. It could be gone in an instant. I began reaching out, giving things such significance, I wanted to know that despite the emphemral nature of life, that what I did meant something, and would last forever.
and the bonds with the people in my life at that moment and the work we did came together so seemlessly and really captured what was in our hearts and minds.
But like with all things, decay sets in, people move on. That group started going its seperate way at the end of 2001, and it could not be rebuilt, and by the following summer, the meaning was lost to me. It just didn't seem to make sense to me to put so much effort into something that would be only a memory to some, an afterthought to others
I wanted to strike out and make something that mattered. I left Virginia at the end of that year, wanting to be part of something special again. I bounced from project to project, trying to find it, that thing that made work and life special to me. I went back to children's theatre, not once, but twice full time, thinking maybe being part of some kid's first theatrical experience, to make the impression on those young minds might give the work meaning.
I kept finding myself surround by people who could not get past the nature of the material and their own self importance, and bad habits.
I have come close a couple of times, where things almost seemed like they once were, where a project just lacked one thing
Today I realized what has been missing. I stopped seeing the importance of what I do. It all became distraction, so it lost its place in the other artificial distractions I made in my life. The things that seem so important at the time, but really don't mean anything in the long run.
I got to make it matter to me again.
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